Why 70% of Couples’ Conflicts Can’t Be Resolved—and Why That’s Okay
You’ve probably had that same argument—again.
The one that starts small, escalates fast, and ends with silence or tears. You tell yourself, "We should be able to fix this by now."
But what if the goal isn’t to fix it at all?
Research from Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, found that roughly 70% of couples’ conflicts are not resolvable. That’s true for couples who are struggling and for those who describe their relationships as strong and happy.
If that statistic surprises you—or even feels discouraging—you’re not alone. Most couples believe that if they just work hard enough, they’ll eventually see eye to eye.
But lasting relationships aren’t built on solving every problem. They’re built on learning how to stay connected through differences, using healthy communication tools that strengthen understanding instead of creating distance.
The Myth That All Conflict Can Be Solved
Many people assume that successful relationships are conflict-free. But the Gottman Method shows that conflict is not only normal—it’s inevitable. Roughly 70% of relationship issues are perpetual problems that stem from fundamental differences in personality or values.
Even couples who’ve been happily married for decades revisit the same arguments. The difference is, those conversations don’t feel like battles. Over time, they’ve learned to talk about recurring issues in a way that keeps them close instead of driving them apart.
What Perpetual Conflict Really Means for Couples
Perpetual conflict means that some differences don’t disappear because they’re part of who you each are. These issues often come from two main places:
1. Personality differences. These are ongoing differences in how each partner naturally operates in the world. For example, one partner might thrive on structure while the other values flexibility. One might enjoy frequent social time, while the other needs quiet time to recharge.
2. Value differences. Sometimes couples share the same core values but express them in different ways. For example, you might both value family, loyalty, or connection, yet disagree about how to parent, how to spend or save money, or how affection should be shown.
The value itself isn’t the problem—it’s the difference in how it’s lived out. Having a deeper understanding of ongoing differences changes the way you approach disagreements. Instead of thinking, "We need to fix this," it becomes, "We can keep talking about this—and care for each other through it".
Why Trying to Win Keeps You Disconnected
When conflict feels like a loop, it’s easy to fall into a pattern where every disagreement becomes a competition: who’s right, who’s being unreasonable, and who’s not listening. But the more you try to "win" the argument, the more disconnected you become.
Couples who handle conflict well don’t necessarily agree more often—they disagree more gently. They focus on emotional safety instead of scoring points.
When you use tools like soft startups and repair attempts, the same old arguments start to feel less like “brick walls” and more like “speed bumps” you can navigate together. Over time, this practice builds trust, empathy, and the sense that you’re truly on the same team.
How a Gottman Couples Therapy Intensive Helps You Reconnect
It's easy to fall into a pattern where every disagreement feels like a competition. But a Gottman Method Couples Therapy Intensive is a two-day, research-based experience designed for couples who want real change.
Instead of spreading therapy over months, intensives offer focused time to uncover patterns, practice new skills, and reconnect on a deeper level.
Each intensive includes:
A detailed relationship assessment based on Gottman’s research.
Guided conversations to identify stuck patterns.
Targeted communication tools to manage conflict and strengthen connections.
Real-time facilitation by a Certified Gottman Therapist.
Couples often accomplish in two days what could take months of weekly sessions. They leave with renewed clarity, emotional connection, and hope that lasting change is possible.
Turning Conflict Into Connection
Conflict isn’t the enemy—it’s part of every growing relationship. The key is how you manage it. When you shift from "Who’s right?" to "How can we stay close through this?", the entire tone of your relationship changes.
That shift—from frustration to empathy, from brick walls to bridges—is what lasting love is built on.
Ready to break the cycle?
Susan Wade, LCSW, is a Texas-based Certified Gottman Therapist specializing in Couples Intensives for partners who feel stuck having the same fight over and over—and want to finally break through.
If you’re ready to stop repeating the same arguments, let’s talk about how this intensive could help you move forward together.
